Before having a baby, I went through 2 early pregnancy losses. Everyone kept saying “Don’t worry. You’ll get your rainbow baby soon.” I know they meant well, but for some reason it made me angry. I remember thinking, how could I think about the next baby when I was still grieving THIS one? I remember saying goodbye to the last of my baby in a random public bathroom stall. And the horror of watching the life we made together disappear into the pipes of public sewage. No memorial. No one to witness it, except for me. I remember being afraid to shower. I remember the guilt of drinking and laughing at a family party while bleeding into a diaper-sized pad. And how painful it was to take the first sip of wine because that meant not being pregnant anymore was real. I remember the doctor saying I was having a chemical pregnancy. I was so mad he called it “chemical” even though he was just doing his job. I brought him a Ziplock of positive tests to prove I was still pregnant. I remember convincing myself there was still hope and that lots of women bleed during pregnancy. I remember feeling dramatic and embarrassed because women miscarry much further along. There were women having stillborns and parents losing children every day. I remember feeling like my body failed us. Now, I sit here with my beautiful, healthy baby. My heart is full and I wouldn’t change a single thing. I heard about miscarriages my whole life, but I didn’t realize how many women experience pain like this on a daily basis. They go right back to work, social gatherings, raising families…We all show up for weddings and funerals, but the second someone starts talking about pregnancy loss, things feel awkward. There’s so much shame and discomfort, that most women end up grieving completely alone. Mothers are stronger than the world will ever realize. So I decided to write a song about pregnancy loss that was honest, not sugar-coated...My goal was to honor life, loss, all stages of grief, and eventually the present. 🌈 You were more than a line. 🤍 This is a song called An Airport Bathroom.
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